“Where do we go from here” was maybe the easiest question I would have to face in the months and weeks to follow that dark day in this chapter of my life.
Screaming out to God “WHYY!!!!!!!!!” Begging Him to keep me from walking away from Him. Wondering, “Am I broken? What is wrong with me that I suddenly can’t carry a child?” Was I sick and had yet to find out? Was I dying and had missed the signs? Was God mad at me? My mind began to race and still medical decisions needed to be made.
The weeks that followed were filled with uncertainty, more questions and, of course, medical procedures that only served to remind me of the loss of this precious little one I so longed to meet. A girl. I’m sure of it. I have little doubt in my mind that I had to entrust a little girl into the eternal arms of my heavenly Father. Her name? We still haven’t ventured to go there just yet, but she has a name: Beloved and missed.
It was all I could do to wake up in the morning and get through my day without screaming and going out of my mind. It was all I could do to make eye contact with even those that I loved. And then, there were the questions from my innocent little boy. “Mommy, where’s the baby? She’s in there??”(pointing to my tummy that had already grown beyond my normal) How many time could I stand to explain to him that the baby was with Jesus now? How many times could I explain to him that, yes, Mommy was sad, but that I was ok? Was I ok????? I don’t know….I didn’t know. But I knew I had to keep going somehow.