I’m not sure if anyone out there really wants to read all about my life, but if you’ve found this…perhaps you need to. So, maybe you can take a bit of time to walk with me through a few salient ramblings to see if you can relate.
A couple years ago my wonderful husband and I found ourselves staring at a positive pregnancy test amazed that we already needed to prepare for the impending arrival of #2 mini bundle. We made all of the relevant phone calls and started dreaming and preparing for what would be coming our way in a few short months. Two weeks later, we found ourselves staring stone faced at the emergency room doctor and nurse as they explained that the baby was gone.
Why? What did I do wrong??? Did I lift something too heavy? Did I eat something I shouldn’t have eaten? I simply couldn’t wrap my suddenly grief stricken mind around it all. We cried. We prayed. We sat silently for a few minutes. Then we signed the papers we needed to, listened carefully to what the next week or so would hold for me physically, and headed home to our almost 2yr old little boy and his babysitters.
Can I tell you, I have never been so thankful for his smiling, healthy little face as I was the moment I was able to hug him that day? ….but what now?
The days to follow were physically VERY difficult for me, especially. After that horrible process of saying goodbye to the baby we’d already come to love, the emotions took over and I was overwhelmed. Still so many questions, and no answers.
A few months passed and we became hopeful again. Deciding to leave the past behind we started thinking of trying for another little one. That bit of planning was the beginning of a journey that we’re only now beginning to understand.
A couple months later we had another positive test, followed quickly by another miscarriage. Then a few months later, another positive test. We made a quick OB/GYN appointment and were able to see the tiny little heart beat. Life.
This time, unlike the first two, I was sick. I could smell everything and anything from 3 miles down the road. I was hungry. I couldn’t hardly eat ANYTHING. You know, the typical signs that all is well. Then, you guessed it… suddenly I started feeling better. Not just over time, but suddenly, almost overnight. I knew. I simply knew that something wasn’t right. No one had to tell me, my heart already knew. However, we headed to the doctor’s office to make sure there was still a heartbeat. Sure enough…suddenly, that tiny little life was lost.
Strangely, I had no tears. I had no emotion. I think it was the emotional equivalent to the physical shock one feels after a traumatic experience. A numbness set in like dark clouds over my once vibrant heart. Where do we go from here?